last · things · last

Restless... realized I have six more classes of etching until the semesters over and that the etching that i started at the beginning of it is still not finished... and wondering if i can finish it and still get a decent edition of it. Life has been more odd than it has been, but maybe that's just me looking at it from a different perspective- or me just being impatient about me actually having interesting plans. I brought to my boss' attention that I've been working at their bizarre liquor store for a year and a half now, and that i thought that i should maybe get a raise- haven't seen him since, but my last paycheck had fifty cents more on it. If it was that easy, why the hell didn't i do it sooner? I think this is a record- longest working employee that is not related to the manager by blood. Working there feels more comfortable- but it's still not easy- I just know when to tell people to fuck off, when to be quiet, and when to be nice now. The sexual harassment has increased though... I've realized that working there has given me a very skewed perception of the male sex- even though i know that not all men are like the ones that frequent the liquor store I can't help but freak out a little when someone shows interest in me- even if it's not at work. I want friends right now much more than I want sex- does that make me strange or is it just an overdose of creepy creepy come ons? For a while I was writing them down- but they disturbed me too much so I threw them away. Lately after work I go for a bike ride or a walk to calm me down and get out whatever pissed me off at work- or sometimes- the night before. It helps.
I've been waking up at seven every morning lately to give my cat her morning injection of insulin- not as disturbing (usually) as it sounds I've discovered- but now i'm up and i still have another hour to kill before work. So here I am, writing something in livejournal, because i still read other people's posts, but I don't post myself... mostly because if i did it would pretty much the same thing all the time.
I'm going on a road trip in january- to Iowa- most of the time when I tell people this they give me confused looks and then tell me I'm going to freeze my ass off and it will suck- so if you have the same reaction it's okay, I'm used to it. We're planning out places to visit on the way- the grand canyon and art museums, who the fuck knows, we're just going... And then after staying in iowa for awhile we'll go to chicago (with a stop in his home town on the way) and there will be more art museums. And then I will fly home. And still have a job when I come back.
Oh, and thanksgiving? Blah. I love seeing you, extended family, especially since i've been blowing you off alot in favor of a quiet house and money from work- but do you really need to spend the night in my bedroom? I don't know why i hate holidays so much, but I do. perhaps it's just that i really don't like being told what to do, especially by a calendar. You want me to buy presents for people on a specific day and put up lights and shit? Fuck you! You want me to feel particularly thankful while watching my family devour a roasted carcass? Die! Really, I don't like holidays. Sorry.
I really need more coffee. Goodbye.

A few years ago, I went to the mission to take photographs. We went into the room where the prayer candles were, and as I was taking a picture there was a loud noise of glass falling and breaking, we turned to look and there were pieces of glass on the floor- one of the prayer candles had shattered. I picked one up, it was still hot- I had a strange sense of disconnection, vertigo- and I looked up and said "this is a very bad sign, this is an omen." He laughed and told me I was being silly.
I still have that piece of glass, hanging next to the polaroids I took of the place where his ashes were scattered.
The next few months will be/have been hard for me- knowing that around this time I was with him constantly, as if there is some link, as if I am in a loop, feeling it all over again, and knowing that it can never be felt again.

Unfocus your eyes just a little bit when looking at it. It looks nifty. And yes, I have a thing for brown lately. Right now I'm convinced that it's the prettiest color there is. I have a whole brown paper sketchbook, now. And lots of brown inks.
I can't seem to work on artwork for long periods of time right now- I work for an hour, half an hour, and then wander away, and don't come back for a long time. I am still set in my printmaking class ways- a sketch first and then tracing it onto another piece of paper. I am obsessed with perfection- every smudge or line that veers from the image in my head makes me feel like the entire image is ruined, and it always takes me awhile to reconcile with it. If I reconcile at all. There are lots of half finished drawings lying around right now, and many more that I haven't even started. I keep on telling myself to keep at it, but I have too many excuses.

( article here )
I have entered two gallery competitions recently, and won both of them. One at the cuesta gallery, the other at the art center. The cuesta gallery competition was nice to win, but it felt more like a fluke than a complement- the juror seemed to like the opposite of everything I was intrigued by in art- and said when selecting mine "I usually hate images with lots of hair in them but I'll give this one an award." The show at the art center, however, had three jurors, all of whom I respect and admire. It was held in the upstairs gallery and before you even walked into the room there were two of my prints hanging outside, all by themselves. I found out a few days later that I sold one, which is even more flattering in a lot of ways, although I get less money from that than the awards- knowing that someone liked my artwork enough to buy it, and (hopefully) hang it up in their house is a good feeling. And then there was an article in the local paper about the show, and my print across the top.
Pictures taken at the art center gallery-

Two of my prints got a whole wall to themselves- a very cramped wall where you can't step back and admire them because of the rail, but still, first thing you see!
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The third print hanging inside the room- this is the one that sold- you can see the little red sticker.

Alright, I am done bragging. Although if I run into you on the street and I haven't seen you in awhile I might try and casually work it into a conversation, or something.

Cyanotype! I've actually had the piece of paper for at least eight years... but I completely forgot about it. I was digging through old art supplies and found it- the next day I put something together and exposed it. I think this will be my printmaking fix for awhile- I just need to find a website that sells the paper for a reasonable price.

Last project of the semester... so sad. There are a lot of improvements I want to make, but I don't know if I'll have time.
At least this means I'll be able to focus on things that are non-etching related for awhile. Not that I don't love printmaking, but I think it's time to break out the watercolors and the pen and ink.

Remember her? Finally finished... now I just have to print her twenty times for the edition. I like the actual plate better than the prints, there are a lot of delicate lines and too light values that don't hold ink, and trying to keep them there as I'm printing is frustrating and probably impossible.

All of a sudden, I find myself applying as a transfer student to CCA. They're still accepting for fall, apparently. I have no idea where this came from, but I think it's a very good idea.
I'm gonna be so embarrassed when I don't get in. Because I have seen some of the stuff people have made that did get accepted. Not gonna say anything more than that, just... anime, and maybe, weird half-human furry things.
Also a little stressed because I'm applying as a transfer student, and what if they're a little more picky about that?
I also entered three prints in the cuesta student show. Didn't know about it until like three hours before the deadline to turn them in- but, they're there.
Things have been good.

tagged by livingvodou...

Rules
1. Write your LJ username.
2. Write your two favorite bands/groups at the moment (not overall, just currently).
3. Write something you love. Ex. I ♥ food. Just to see how you draw your hearts.
4. Write the name of your favorite person of all time.
5. Write down your recently favored person.
6. Tag 5 people to do this meme.

I have listened to Nantes, almost on repeat, incessantly. I am in love with that song. And now cherbourg is growing on me fast too.
And as for favorite people, well, they never said it had to be people I knew, now did they?

My liver is doing better, the tests are improving. I currently can't handle any sort of medication because my liver can't process it so I have stopped taking sleeping meds for the first time in about two and a half years. The nights are hard, but during the day I itch less, and the stomach pain and nausea are receding. I'm back at work, back at school, and doing fine. They're still not sure what caused it. My personal opinion was that it was caused by one of my medications, probably stelazine. Because all the other things they've tested me for, are testing me for, are much scarier. Every time they tell me they need more blood to do a test and they tell me what it is I carefully note the disease and then go and read about it on the internet and get scared. For a few days I was sure I had hepatitis and I was beating myself up about all the stupid things I used to do and it was awful until the tests came back negative. With it being some freakish side effect from a drug that's been around far too long, all I have to do is stop taking it.
I really want to go on a rant about anti-psychotics, and anti-depressants right now, but I won't. I do that alot.
However, I will show you this:

I found it while I was doing research on the medications I was taking, and their side effects. Note that it says may cause liver damage on the ad.
I've already got a permanent heart condition from seroquel. Now I've possibly got permanent liver damage from stelazine. If I find out that some other stupid medication that's supposed to be helping causes brain cysts, don't be surprised when CEOS from drug corporations start mysteriously overdosing on their own medications.

Isn't she pretty? I am so in love, even though she's not nearly done. I'm so bummed I don't get to bite this plate until tuesday, I am very impatient. Sorry about crappy photo booth picture, you don't get to see all the pretty hair detail that I do all the time. Oh and don't look at the creepy toe things. They're not getting bitten, I am stopping them out and then scraping and burnishing them if they scratched the surface.
Anyway. yes.

More pictures from picnic trip.

( more random things, and buffalo )
Also, I am making a new etching that I think will be incredibly awesome. I'm pretty sure I say that about all my etchings, but I'm even more in love with this one than usual.

I went out to Santa Margarita down Highway 58 on sunday. It was absolutely beautiful, went on a picnic and took pictures.


More later, probably.

They still don't know what's going on- this could all be because of the massive amounts of medication I've been on over the years, or several other things. The test results should be in today. I'm doing okay, I've found that as long as I drink lots of water I'm not in massive amounts of pain- yesterday sucked because I couldn't eat or drink for an ultrasound- it was incredibly awful. I just want to know what's going on so I can fix it, hopefully.

I went to the doctor for the whole itchy nauseous thing- they took a liver function test...
apparently my liver is really really messed up. The readings were off the charts- doctor was really freaked out. They can't treat it until they know what it is, I'm going back tomorrow for blood test results but I am very, very scared.

Yesterday I had horrible stomach cramps- couldn't keep anything down, felt awful. All day it was like that- I took my sleeping pills at night and went to bed. Apparently I got up at night and fainted- hit my head pretty hard... My mom came in and freaked out, I don't really remember but she thought I had overdosed or something- I looked pretty crappy. They took me to the ER, where I mumbled incoherently the entire time- don't remember much of it- they put me on an IV and took a CT scan of my head to make sure I didn't damage anything when I fell. I feel fine this morning, but last night was very, very weird- and yesterday in general was very painful. I don't get awful stomach cramps often, but when I do- it's excruciating, and it's getting more frequent.
Anyway, I think I'll be okay to go to school today- and maybe even go down to santa barbara later like I was planning- we'll see. Apparently IV drips are really good at putting things inside of you that you don't feel like throwing up instantly.
Me and my weird, random maladies that my body seems to thrive on making as horrible and as weird as possible.

I've realized I feel a deep obligation to give people what they want, always. It doesn't help that I'm perceptive, and instinctively respond to these needs. My own personality blurs, I'm more what they want then myself, sometimes. I end up resenting people, or just going away for long periods of time to find myself again.
It doesn't help that I still have a pretty nebulous definition of myself- so much of my life has been spent in destructive pastimes- teenage angst, drugs, stupidity- too many distractions. The longer I stay away from destructive patterns, the more complete and calm I feel- I'm learning to nurture tendencies that have been dormant for very long periods of time, or just nonexistent until now. The healthy ones. This will take a long time, I'm sure. But I think it's going in the right direction.
Now I just need to stop smoking like there won't be any cigarettes tomorrow, and I think I'll be good. The cigarette thing, I think, will take a very long time to get under control, I am very possessive of my last obviously and horrendously self destructive habit and addiction.
I don't know why I'm typing about this... I hate those horrible urges to post "profound" thoughts on anything read by who knows what. I got most of that out of my system when I was about seventeen. But there it is. Something I've been thinking about.

Finished!
I like it much better now, and soapground is pretty entertaining- but still unpredictable and frustrating at times.
I've been tired all the time lately, naps always seem like a very very good idea. Maybe I'm just lazy?

It's not done yet- the hair really bothers me, I'm going to fix that- I want more value in the drips so I'm gonna redo the soap ground- and I'm going to add another texture on the bottom also made with soapground, but other than that- I'm okay with it.
It's getting there.